For as long as I can remember I was always drawn to the mystical, the obscure, the “weird stuff”. My favorite movies growing up were Edward Scissorhands and Beetlejuice. I wanted to be a witch so I made up my own spells and pretended I could fly. I loved watching all the Halloween specials in the fall about haunted places, and mediums who could talk to the dead. I was an emotional and highly sensitive child (of course those terms weren’t available at the time) I always felt there was more out there that my Christian upbringing couldn’t answer.
But what happened next was what happened to every other confused teenager. I graduated high school and was told I had to go to college. I was never given any choice. It’s just what everyone else was doing and if I got my degree that meant I would be set up for success and then I would be able to find a good paying job. I got sucked into the cultural norm.
Of course, that’s not at all what happened. I graduated from college during the college recession. I was managing a retail store and hoping to transfer my job to another city but they didn’t have any space for me. So a week after graduation with a diploma in my hand I was jobless.
After that, I held a couple of different jobs over the years, but none of them ever seems to fulfill me completely. There was the sales job that practically went against ever fiber in my being. The medical assistant job at a place I loved but didn’t provide any growth opportunities.
And just as I was trying to enroll in nursing school I became pregnant. I didn’t want to put myself through nursing school and raising a baby at the same time (though I know maybe amazing and strong women who did). And honestly looking back, every time I tried to apply for nursing school the universe had other things in mind for me.
So my beautiful baby boy was born and I went back to work after my allotted 12 weeks, but then realized I was pregnant again. After my daughter was born just a short 13 months later I decided to leave the workforce altogether to stay home with my children.
I’ve been so lucky to be able to have the opportunity to stay home. But it’s been the most life-changing thing I’ve been through.
When my daughter was 10 months old (my son almost 2 years old) I sunk into postpartum depression. I constantly felt fatigued and spent all of my days feeding babies, changing diapers, and rocking one kid to sleep. I went too many days without taking a shower, or even taking care of myself. I was completely consumed in motherhood.
I lost my identity. I didn’t even know who was I outside of being a mother. And I didn’t have any mom friends at the time to lean on. I felt like my family deserted me and was unwilling to help out. They figured I had just had one baby, so I should be completely fine on my own with the second. But the truth was I needed even more help then. But I was afraid to ask.
Breastfeeding began to hurt as my daughter’s teeth came in. I was in pain and would cry every time I fed her but felt I had no choice because she would never take a bottle. My husband came home one day to find me bawling my eyes out on the bedroom floor. I still remember that moment perfectly. It was rock bottom. I knew I needed help and I finally had the courage to ask for it.
I found a therapist that specialized in postpartum depression and starting seeing her once a week. I asked my family to help out more and was completely honest with what was going on with me. They were shocked, they had no idea what I had been experiencing because I never let on that I was struggling. And that’s the thing with depression. So many people try to hide their feelings, hide behind a façade that they have it all together.
But it was that moment when I finally broke down and asked for help that changed everything. After that I was able to take time for myself without feeling guilty. I started listening to podcasts about women’s spirituality and the divine feminine. I went on a women’s retreat a few months later, that was the first weekend away from my kids in two years, and it was amazing. I started making friends and even joined a local sorority to meet other women.
I’ve spent the last 3 years on this journey of self discovery and healing. I wouldn’t be the woman I am today without going through all those moments. Hitting that low point and being able to pick myself up has taught me resilience, and shown me that I have a strength and power I was unaware of before. And now I have the opportunity to teach and support other women with all that I’ve learned the last few years.
It’s opened up a spiritual pathway that was once there, but became suppressed and hidden by trying to blend in with society and cultural norms. Becoming a mother has taught me so many lessons, and was my initiation into my spiritual path. My initiation to claiming my witchy gifts, becoming empowered, and learning to love myself again. I truly believe I went through those low points in order to discover the divine feminine. To discover myself and my gifts. To bring me back home to my soul.