Why is it that when we finally learn the lesson and jussst get our footing, the universe is like, “BAM! Muahaha you think you learned your lesson? Let’s see if you can withstand this!”
Last weekend, I bathed in the bright light of the Full Moon. I let it radiate through my body to the point I was literally shaking.
The following days, I had such a Full Moon hangover. I was emotional AF, and working through a lot of old wounds that came up. Do you ever purposely engulf yourself in sadder things, just so you can cry more? I put on the movie Five Feet Apart and then turned on Harry Potter right when Dobby the House Elf dies after saving the Griffyndor gang.
By Thurdsay, I was feeling so much better. My energy was balanced and I felt like my throat charka was finally functioning at full force.
Through my manifesting journey (and reading Super Attractor for our Book Circle), I’ve been focusing on pure joy. Every day I evoke the purest forms of joy and gratitude where it usually brings me to tears for the life I have and how far I’ve come.
By Thursday when I was in alignment, I felt like I had truly stepped into my power. I felt a frequency of self-love that I hadn’t felt in a really long time (postpartum is no joke).
I felt like I had ownership over my energy despite dealing with some heart-wrenching things.
My dog is sick.
He is slowly withering away before my eyes. And I can’t help him. Several tests and thousands of dollars later, no one has yet determined the cause. I feel so helpless. I feel so heartbroken that my time with him in this lifetime may be a lot shorter than expected. I’m not ready to say goodbye. I’m not ready to watch him die.
It’s so hard when we do the work, know how important perspective is, and then can’t help but let fear take over.
It is a constant battle. Yet, as Gabby Bernstein says, we must always choose again.
I know all I can do is surround him with white light, love, and repeat the mantra, “I am doing all that I can in this very moment, and that is enough.”
To believe it’s enough…well that’s a whole other obstacle. A practice that I don’t know if I’ve fully mastered yet.
And just like that…booom Universe throws more at me.
On top of fighting every moment to reshape my thoughts, yesterday I lost a huge pillar of support I thought I had (but probably never did).
When we decide to step foot on this path, we oftentimes assume that others can see it, too.
We rip down our walls and vulnerably step into the unknown, hoping that our loved ones will be there to catch us if we fall.
We slice open old wounds, letting them bleed until we find self-love.
We relive old stories with a new perspective until they are healed and we find self-worth.
We focus on all that we have, instead of what we lack, as we exude gratitude.
As we collect all these tools, the lessons get bigger. The stakes get higher. The growth is more extravagant.
We think that when we fall in love with this new version of us, others will love it too. That they are going to see the quest, be in awe of our strength to trust the unknown, and trust us enough to feel confident in our decisions.
Unfortunately, most people don’t see it that way.
They let their own fears and triggers stand in the way, and project that fear onto our growth.
This is one of life’s biggest lessons in rising above fear and how we must tap into the self-love, self-love, gratitude, and vision we’ve cultivated along the way in order to move forward. To rise above despite it all.
As I write this, this is me choosing to stand strong. To let you know that I’m in the trenches too, just trying to figure out how to navigate this journey while also trying to show up as the best me for my daughter.
I am not choosing fear today.
Wow, this memoir was fucking raw, but I know it will help someone out there know that no matter the heartache or lack of support, you are not alone. Never ever. You are worthy. Surround yourself with others who see the vision and trust. Let yourself lean into the pain without letting fear consume you. At the end of the day, there is nothing more important than love.
Always choose love.